Fear of Grief

Why are we so terrified of death? I'm not even talking about the act of dying, but rather the topic of mortality. There are so many things in our culture that are natural parts of life that we like to pretend don't exist, force ourselves to hide, or skirt in conversation. From things as simple as the idea that girls don't sweat to things as profound as illness and death, why are there such huge chunks of natural human life that we avoid at all costs? What is so uncomfortable about grieving and death?

Today, I bumped into an acquaintance who said he'd just gotten back from being home. I knew he'd been home because there had been a death in his family, though I wasn't sure that he knew I was aware. He and I have had plenty of conversations about goals, how to survive college, making good decisions, and other things of at least some consequence, yet all I could do when I saw him was to offer an over-the-top kind smile and pat him on the back as he exited the elevator.

What are we so scared of? Our culture today seems to have no problem talking about everything we don't need to know, from who is sexually involved with whom to disgusting details of drunken nights and ensuing hangovers. Girls follow the lead of Sex and the City and have no problem kissing and telling, and people are even surprisingly open about deeply personal issues like suicidal ideations, abortions, family struggles, financial difficulties, and substance abuse problems. But we can't talk about death. We don't know how to talk to somebody who's just lost someone.

I think back to a year and a half ago when my grandmother (z''l) passed away. We were extremely close, given that we didn't live nearby and were only able to see each other a handful of times each year. I was devastated when she passed away, but when people found out and said, "I'm so sorry," the only thing I could think to say was my generic response to all apologies: "It's okay." Of course it's not okay. But then I would go on to say, "She was 92, she lived a long life," in some way trying to justify her death. Not because I felt it was necessary, but because I couldn't think of any other way to respond to those offering their condolences. "Thanks," didn't seem appropriate either, nor could I handle the emotional toll of bursting into tears each time it came up in conversation.

Which brings me to another point--quite similarly, tears are another thing we cannot naturally cope with. In fact, my default reaction to a person crying is to get irrationally angry, because I'm so paralyzed by the display of emotion that I can't muster any kind of reasonable response. It's not like I don't cry--we all do. But really, how does one console a person who weeps? The same way I attempted to show solidarity with my friend. An over-the-top kind smile and a pat on the back.

Yes, we as a culture have a lot of issues on our proverbial plates. We have to deal with war, poverty, the recession, natural disasters, disease, and a host of other problems. But, knowing that we can't all save the world, perhaps we can all start small and work on our reactions to those who grieve. There has to be a better way than merely placing an open palm on a shoulder blade. And maybe when we figure out what that is, we'll have already gotten that much closer to dissolving the other problems that plague our generation.